A lesson from a friend

I've "facebooked" my friend Kathy recently. It got me thinking about how much my friends have brought to my life and how much I have learned from them.  I don't see Kathy much anymore but she is no less important to me. She would be surprised to know how much she has taught me.

When we met over 25 years ago Kathy and I were the only adult wait staff at the Spaghetti Works restaurant. In another world we wouldn’t have given each other the time of day.We are quite different women. But motherhood worked its bonding magic.  She and I were the only mothers amoung a staff of college students. We both had newborns AND we pregnant with our second children. Yikes!

 Kathy was tall, blond, funny, bright and hardworking. She looked like a teenager.  In fact she was only nineteen.  ( I was merely blond and hardworking) .We ate spaghetti together after work and soon had play dates with our kids ( although we didn’t think to call them that then)  and dates with our husbands. She has been one of my dearest friends for 25 years.

I still carry with me her nuggets of wisdom about budgeting  and making a good life out of a little income. But mostly I've learned about marriage.

In another world she would have been a CEO or CFO of corporate America.  Between her pregnancies she went back to school to get her bachelors degree. She got cancer instead.  She taught me paper towels are cheaper than napkins, the difference between thrifty and cheap and how to afford the  very fun things of life like the final four tickets they always seemed to get.  Kathy and Jeff started out young and poor. Two babies came before the first cancer two more after .Before she was forty she dealt with cancer a second time and her son was in  car accident that left him paralized. Life hasn’t turned out like they planned. 

 Kathy and Jeff are still married to each other. They have a good life. They are  one of the most handsome couples I know.  I still see that nineteen year old girl underneath the scars of life.  I still see that young carefree couple full of optimism and joy.  Most importantly I think they still see that in each other.  They teach me why it is good to have a partner to journey though this life with. When Kathy and Jeff were at their altar nearly thirty years ago they had no idea what they were signing up for. Life can be hard. Marriage can be hard.  Life usually turns out differently than we expect.  I think this is why we cry at weddings.  In the optimism and naivite, of love of the young say their "I do's". They have no idea they are signing up for. Jeff and Kathy didn't.  We sure didn't. But I'm glad we signed up.

The Music in My Head

The silence in Toadstool park in remote western Nebraska was deafening. Aside from the gentle sounds of the height of summer there was perfect stillness. I remember it well although it was probably 15 years ago....How many places like this are left? How fortunate I am to find it. And remember it.

I love peace and beauty. The sounds and sights of nature and classical music are my usual source. The best way to set my spirit for the day is to slide a Bach or Mozart or St. Olaf Choir CD into the player. But I've noticed recently that I haven't been doing this for quite a while. I wondered why. Was it just laziness or hurried-ness?

 I crave silence. Whether on my mat at the end of yoga class, or on my deck on a summer day where the dappled sunlight reaches through the vines to my legs, or in my bed waking up on a slate blue winter morning as I watch the sky for the promise of dawn, ...and on and on. 

 As one who has been on one to many diets I remember how the taste of sweet is so very, very... well, sweet after doing without. I roll it over on my tongue. My palate notices and savors. And I think thats it. I have been privy to so much beauty that I need time to absorb it, to experience it, to roll it over in my soul so to speak. The Music is already there. The silence allows the hearing. And the savoring.


"Beautiful Nebraska, peaceful prairieland,
laced with many rivers, and the hills of sand,
dark green valleys cradled in the earth,
rain and sunshine bring abundant birth
                                    
Beautiful Nebraska, as you look around,
you will find a rainbow reaching to the ground.
all these wonders by the Master's hand,
Beautiful Nebraskaland.

We are so proud of this state where we live.
There is no place that has so much to give.

 Beautiful Nebraska, as you look around,
you will find a rainbow reaching to the ground.
all these wonders by the Master's hand,
Beautiful Nebraskaland"
by Jim Fras

The Weight of Love

I'm missing my "big kids". That would be my 26 and 27 year olds. My  "little girls" are with me. Little as in 23 and 24 years. But thats what we used to called them. The big kids and the little girls. Older of course is a relative term when a mere four and a half years seperates the first and last born.

We just had our first, very own, family reunion. Not a big crew mind you, just our little crew of the four core, two sons in law, and us old-ish folks. Nor was this a typical head back to the hometown or family farm type or assembly over the holiday table sort of thing. None of the typical gathering reasons or places.  This was Dallas. In July. And our reason was love.

Kate first floated the idea a few months back. Where and when evolved around the usual things like schedules and committments of all sorts. "Reply All" emails revealed one weekend this summer that would work. And we would meet in Dallas where the fewest airline tickets were need and we had willing hosts (  who just moved into a two bedroom home...can you say guest room?). What Kate kicked off, Anna and JohnMarshall ( the hospitable hosts) ran with. We booked our nearby hotel with a great swimming pool ( remember Dallas in July ).

And we gathered. Kate arrived first from Memphis, we Lincoln four arrived next, and by evenings end Christians flight made it in and we were together.
Someone who loves words like I do recently said that their ought to be a unique word in the english language to describe what a mother feels when her children are all gathered together. That that experience is like no other I can attest to.

What we did  (eat, talk, lay by the pool, eat, talk, decide where to eat, talk, play charades, talk) was not what I will remember. ( Well maybe charades). It was the  being.  Being comfortable flopped together on the giant bed/chairs by the pool, being in the room next to my sleeping daughter, being in Anna and John Marshalls house and having their presence seep in, being together as twos, and fives, and three as we went to starbucks, or back to the room, or to Mass. It was simple  presence, the being,  whether just sharing space or snuggling, or overhearing giggling or discussions about jobs ( especially those lawyer kids billing 200 hours a month), future plans and dreams.
And now I'm lonesome for all that.

Departure day as we waited for our rides Kate landed briefly on my lap  ( with a little encouragment from me). It was such a lovely and rare thing, an adult child on my lap. Although she doesn't weigh much, she was heavy!  But the weight of love is willingly born.



My mind is still stewing on that stil un-named word but my heart knows it well.  And part of that mother love is the price of love. And the price of love is the weight of love on our hearts. Or our laps. I'm game for it all.

The Prayer

I was the neighborhood babysitter when the kids were young. We often had a collection of neighbhood children playing in our driveway before school at our home on  Happy Hollow Court. The kids loved it. But as much as they liked playing with the "babysitting" kids they liked a little quiet time alone with me before the activity began. So they got up early. Very early. ( as sleep deprived teenagers they lamented their lost sleeping opportunities...) One of the favorite activities before babysitting friends, before school, was reading. Outloud. By me.
We could just feel the chill of the Long Winter as we read by our fireplace on those dark winter morning. I could hardly hold back the tears as Laura left her family home to marry Almonzo. The girls laughed at Nellie Olsons leaches on the Banks for Plum Creek. We all had our favorite book in the Laura Ingalls Wilder series ( Nobody really liked Farmer Boy though.) Time to turn the page? A "tap, tap" on the chosen childs head was the code. The funny little things that seem meaningless , over time became woven into something more. Something bigger.Our hearts and our bodies knit together on our couch transported our spirits. Our little cozy cocoon was also a prayer.

"Sometimes the best prayer comes out of reading rather than praying. Good reading touches all the questions of our life, stretches us beyond ourselves to find answers and brings us face-to-face with the Mystery that is God." -Joan Chittistero

Why Do You Run?

It was a busy day yesterday. I began the morning with a tinge of angst. As I checked the newly listed properties I noticed that a friend of mine had listed with another agent. Ouch. I know, I know, there are many reasons sellers might not list with me but still, ouch.


My friend Abby and I started our real estate careers at the same time. I did well. She took off like a rocketship. In addition, often when I checked the "hot sheet" of new listings I found familiar names listing with others. Ouch.


But here is what I learned that first year, and was reminded of again yesterday. My job is to do my job. My job is to make every effort to be the person I want to be. Here is what happed to me. As I learned to truly be happy for my friend, being her friend became not just a joy to me but also a help to my business. As I helped her  my business also benefited. I would do an open house for her....and I found a buyer etc. I continue to be her biggest cheerleader and she is mine.


So, yesterday my twinge of ouch quickly left. I rested in what I have learned. And let go and set out for my day and to work on my business.  At peace. 


It was pie day. My friends grandchildren were visiting her and Conner loves to bake pies and I love to be with those sweet children.  Monday afternoon was our pie baking date . As schedules often do, mine got filled up quickly and I was so tempted to cancel pie baking. Here's why.  I got a call to list two houses. Today. I'm learning not to be surprised. One listing "lost" two gained.


But I knew urgent and important are not always the same thing. So we baked pies. I stopped "running" And it was my sabbath hour. The most fulfilling, joyful hour of the day.  And listed TWO houses.

Rabbi Levi saw a man running in the street, and asked him "why do you run"? He replied, "I am running after my good fortune!" Rabbi Levi tells him "Silly man, your good fortune has been trying to chase you, but you are running too fast."
Traditional Tale

Third Best

As I hung up the phone moments ago DJ Dales segue was  "now for the other half of the mother daughter team". I had just pitched one of our new listings and now it was Emilys turn to pitch another one.

Emily is a teacher without a teaching job. A really good teacher in a not so good economy. So with a bit of encouragement from her realtor mother she got her real estate license. Call it plan B. And those of use with more than a few decades behind us, and the young who will listen to us,  have learned that sometimes plan B or C or even D are not to be missed. As my nephew Sam recently spoke about in his Valdictory graduation speech he is thankful for his failures as they led him to where he is today.

Emily is my buddy. My youngest. The only child to stick around her hometown. Most that know her (even her siblings)  would agree that she is simply one of the most delightful people you care to know.

The funny thing is that real estate is not plan A for either of us.  It is definately B or C.  She is a teacher without a job, a coach without a team. I am a mom whose kids grew up and a wife whose husband now needs me to share the financial responsibility.

The two greatest blessings in my life are my marriage and the children born to that marriage. I was a child in my twenties when these gifts were given. In hindesite I see how amazing it is that we as well intentioned but immature people we have managed to hang on to the goodness of our marriage and not fall prey to the distruction of the pain of it. Likewise how we managed to parent while still in the unconsiousness and baggage of our youth and raise four children of sound character who love each other, the Lord and us, is nothing short of amazing. Grace.

As I see it, at this moment in my life, my third greatest blessing is the partnership between Emily and I. Grace yes, but in this case consciousness as well. A Thomas Merton fan, he has shaped my decision to yield to the Divine. To know that knowing best isn't everything. That my ego is often the biggest road block to the greater good. That " In order to become myself I must cease to be what I always thought I wanted to be, and in order to find myelf I must go out of myself, and in order to live I have to die". T. Merton.

Emily and I work together. Everyday. She is, as they say, "hungry". And she is good. She interacts with clients as if she has done this her whole life. She attributes her success to me and I attribute mine to her. Each time a seller or buyer comes to us we say to each other "feel free to take this one yourself, please don't feel you have to share". but we want to. We like working together. In spite of spliting all of our proceeds I have never had more business and never made more money that I have this year. It seems we are greater than the sum of our parts.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  I am learning how little I know. How the One that created me knows me best, and how failure and disapointment can be simply a segue to a greater good. Like  honestly saying I LOVE my job! Here is to failures, plans B or C, and the third best things in life!  Like Dales segue "now for the other half of the mother daughter team". .........

This my grateful hymn of praise

Franklin at my feet, cats finished their playtime fight ( Lizzie left, Henry fell asleep),  the top of the poplar trees in the park swaying and the leaves of the fruit trees providing gentle sounds and breeze, the tomato plants looking taller overnight, first cup of coffee finished, paper perused,Paul relaxed and chatting across from me. Soon the walk, the garden,  the grocery list, the print outs for open house, the emails returned......

"For the beauty of the earth,
for the glory of the skies,
for the love which from our birth
over and around us lies;
Lord of all, to thee we raise
this our hymn of grateful praise."

Soon the walk, the garden,  the grocery list, the print outs for open house, the emails returned......but not yet. First I savor.